/int/ - certified time wasters

A puzzle. What is it, hanging on the wall, green and squeaking?
It's herring. Hanging on the wall because I hung it there, green because I painted it, and squeaking so that no one would guess.

>>6276
Not funny

t. joke rater

>>6276
What is yellow and can't swim?

>>6281
A yellow submarine with a big hole

>>6291
Close, an excavator.

Now a real one.
*ähem*

The altar boy shyly asks the priest: "Father, I'm not sure if it's the right thing we are doing here..."
The priest responds: "Don't worry my boy, there's a good christian inside of you."

An actual funny joke:
What is hanging on the wall, goes "tik-tak" and when it falls down, the clock is broken?

>>6304
herring

>>6308
Nope, it was his ring.

>>6310
what does a ring has to do with herring?

>>6311
Ach Ernst :3

- How much is 2+2?
- Are we selling or buying?
(Math lesson at Jewish school. Or a job interview for an accountant)

>>7058
Good one

Why can programmers not tell the difference between Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct:31 is the same as Dec:25.

A priest, a pedo and a rapist walk into a bar.

He orders a beer.

Qui a mangé le fromage?
La grenouille!
HON HON HON HON HON

Question: What happens if someone makes a post on Ernstchan?
Answer: Nothing for 24 hours, then someone will post on meta that it should be banned.

>>11922
This doesn't make any sense.

Question: What happens if someone makes a post in the joge thread on Ernstchan?
Answer: Someone replies that the joge doesn't make sense, then the thread dies.

>>12709
The thread had already been dead before.

>>12712
I can revive it.

>>12751
>I can revive it.
Best joge in thread so far.

This painting isn't damaged- it's Baroque.

Why is Obama left-handed?
Because black people don't have rights!

Nu worum hot G-tt erschofn de goyim?
Nu jemond mos zoln de listepreis.

Why did Jesus never tip?
He was the king of jews.

An american soldier travels back to home through UK. He's travelling by train, and when he enters a carriage, he sees that there is a bench where three men can sit. There sit an Englishman, a lady, and a lady's dog. The soldier approaches and says:
- Pardon me, lady, could you please take your dog down so that I could sit here?
The lady replies:
- You Americans are so rude! Don't you see my little dog is enjoying its sit?!
- But my lady, I'm going home from a war, I'm so tired, and I'm sure you understand that-
- You Yankies are not just rude, but also annoying! I thought I've already said that-
The soldier doesn't listen to her, takes the dog and throws it out through the window. As the lady gasped in suprise and terror, he takes a sit. Suddenly the Englishman who haven't said a word all this time, says to the soldier:
- You know what, young lad? I don't agree with this lady concerning you Americans, but I must admit you do some things wrong. You drive a car on the wrong side of the road, you drink tea at a wrong time, and now you've thrown out a wrong bitch!

Once upon a time in pre-war Warsaw two Jews had argument: mr Rosenkrantz and mr Katz. The argument was so serious that ended up in a court. The court has ruled: "mr Katz must apologize mr Rosenkrantz". The public apology was supposed to take place in apartment of mr Rosenkrantz. Witnesses and mr Rosenkrantz gathered on the appointed day, waiting for mr Katz to arrive with apology. Finally, they hear knocking on the door. Rosenkrantz opens door and sees Katz staying in front of him:
- "Good day! Is it an apartment of tailor Goldberg?"
- "Uhm... no... Goldberg lives upstairs"
- "Oh, i am sorry!"

A crow to the cow climbing a pine-tree.
- What the hell are you up to? Are you nuts?
- I wanna eat some apples.
- There ain't no apples on a pine-tree!!!
- It's ok, I'm carrying them in the backpack.

What is funny?
And adjective.

God is visiting hell; He asks Satan about the three kettles in the corner.
The first one is closed - Jews inside. If one'd get away he would get all the others out.
The second one is open but it lacks the laddle - Russians inside. The first Russian to escape also removed the laddle so that no other Russian could escape.
The third kettle is open and it does have a laddle. God is puzzled:"is it empty?" "Nein, mein Fuehrer, I have asked the Germans to stay inside."

-What's the difference between a German and a shopping trolley?
-A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

-What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany's best comedian?
-Only the first one can make you smile.

Medvedev, Malmsteen, Jay-Z, Bushido and Pauk fly by plane. The plane starts to fall, but there are only four parachutes. Medvedev says: "I am important, Russia needs me" - he takes one and jumps. Yngwie says: "I am the best guitar player in the world, I must live" - takes one and jumps. Pauk: "Rap is, kinda, shit, for example" so he takes two and jumps.

An old beekeeper is lying in his bed dying. All his big family is standing around him. His sons with their wifes, his grandchildren are here today listening to his last words. The bright Sun is shining into the room, fresh breeze moves curtains, the bees are buzzing softly outside.
The old man looks at his family and starts to talk: "My children, I've lived a long life. It was not an easy one. And one day long ago I've understood - everything is bullshit, except for bees... But now I am lying here before you and you know what? It seems that bees are fucking bullshit too."

Why did the cracker cross the road?
Because he's racist.

>>13631
That’s actually a common complaint in the US that ypipo are racist when they change sidewalks if they see a black person come from the opposite direction.

>>6275
Nigger

>>16749
Is there anything good about switzerland?
> The flag is a big plus.

One boy was born with a screw instead of a belly button.

And he asked his parents why he had a screw there. His parents promised to tell him about it on his 14th birthday.

He turned 14. And he came up again and asked his parents why he had a screw instead of a navel. His parents promised to tell him about this when he was 18 years old.

At the age of 18, he asked again and his parents told him that there was an island on which a palm tree grew, and under this palm tree there was a chest buried.

The guy saved money for a long time and finally came to this island. He found a palm tree and dug up a chest containing a screwdriver. He removed the screw with it and his ASS fell off.

Dschörmens kahnt lahf,
zey kähn ounli lahf.

>>17913
I don't get it, but even if I did it probably wouldn't be funny.

>>17914
The joke might be about two words that are homophones when pronounced with a stereotypical German accent. I speculate that those words might be to love, to laugh, to loath or to loaf.

>>17917
Sounds silly, especially since english has ample examples of that.

What is more illegal than joking on the EC?
Stealing, for example.

>>19162
I think what actually might be more illegal than joking on the EC is stealing.

>>6275
I think Jewish people going to synagogue is kinda funny. I mean racism aside it's like a wholesome church thingy right?

You just create the most horrific vile porn and propaganda imaginable and scuttle off to church? That's funny.

>>13632
They are also racist if they don't change sides.

An old man is walking through the park when he sees a little girl hitting something with a big stick. Curious, he gets closer and realises with horror that she's hitting a puppy, or at least the bloodied and battered remains of what used to be a puppy. "Little girl, little girl! What is wrong with you? Don't you like animals?", he cries. She stops and turns to look at him.

"I don't really like people either".

>>21240
Peak british humour